The Home Secretary David Blunkett made a statement today, attempting to clarify the remarks he had made earlier in the week in which he had seemed to suggest that immigrant families be compelled to speak English in their own homes. While several dozen panicky advisers dashed around frantically trying to claim that Blunkett had been "taken out of context", "misunderstood", or "kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a robot double programmed to say idiot inflammatory things", Blunkett ascended the podium. However, far from retreating from his original position, the Home Secretary told the multicultural throng, that on reflection he had not gone far enough. "Speaking English is only the first step," he snarled, "we must also make sure that it is the Queen's English without any accents, slang, mispronounciation or dialects. CDs of the dulcet tones of Brian Sewell and Tara Palmer-Tompkinson will be issued to all immigrant families forthwith." "Next," he continued handing out jellied eels and pie and mash to the assembled crowd, "the eating of weird foreign food will be completely outlawed. Immigrant families are expected to eat steak and kidney pie, boiled beef and carrots, and Yorkshire pudding. I don't want to hear any more of this Halal nonsense."

As two advisers were carried out on stretchers, the Home Secretary continued "You want to live here, you live like us. You will be expected to know all the words to 'Knees Up Mother Brown', to have sex less than once a month, to carry a rolled up umbrella at all times and to wear union jack underpants. Failure to comply with these demands will result in you being flown over your country of origin and dropped into the area of worst conflict by helicopter. Teams of heavily armed inspectors will be ensuring compliance at gunpoint, and by the way, Robin Cook can shove his Chicken Tikka Masala up his hairy Scotttish fundament!" Senior Downing Street spin doctor, Hugo Z Hackenbush, trembling slightly and swigging nervously from a hip flask confirmed that the Home Secretary had deviated "ever so slightly" from the official government line, but suggested that from now on, it might be helpful for journalists reporting his speeches to insert everything he said between the phrases "Well you could say" and "but of course only a twat would agree." Tony Blair told us, "Well David's David, you know," and miraculously that seemed to be the end of the matter."

[Source: http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.42.2485.html]